she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
