fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
