I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
