How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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