Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
