I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
