I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
