We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
