if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I stole a fireplace last night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
