Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
