dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
