Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
