Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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