I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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