I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
