Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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