Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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