So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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