yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
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Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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