just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
