why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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