Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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