something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
