I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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