In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
