I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
