he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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