is your mom at the bar?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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