she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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