I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
