I wanna passion pit in your ass
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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