you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
