And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
