No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
