Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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