i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
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I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
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I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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