I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My feet surprised me
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