Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
