every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
