I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
