So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
