Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
