dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
