I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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