thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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