he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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