dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
