The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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