My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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