Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
