Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he thought i was a dude.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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