I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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