I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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