you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
