I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
