My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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