The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
if only i could text you this smell
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
